34 weeks, guilt and saddness

We had an appointment on Valentines Day, the 34 week mark. We found out Austin is measuring 5lbs 2oz and looking great. He sure looks squished in there and had his hands infront of his face so we werent able to get one last 3d of him. I had a few contractions while we waited for the doctor so she checked out my cervix and found out that im 1cm dialated and 80% effaced. She suggested I take off work a week and just lay around to be sure we made it atleast to 35 weeks. Before we left we also scheduled my induction for 3/25 even tho my doctor says we wont make to the 25th. I left the appointment shakin in my boots and wanting to cry my eyes out! So nervous. So here I am on bed rest for the week..and it is flying by! I really need to pack my hospital bag but just thinking about it gives me anxiety...

Ive been missing Bella so much lately as my due date is getting closer and closer. Its such an emotional roller coaster between feeling sad, anxious, excited, scared...and then guilt. I feel a lot of guilt that im not as happy about this pregnancy. I must say that i love feeling him move and squirm around inside of me, its just an incredible feeling. But aside from that...its just different. I didnt expect it to be like the blissful pregnancy I had with Bella...but I didnt think id feel like this.

Lately ive been hearing a lot of people tell me things like "everything will be fine when you hold him in your arms", "hes going to be healthy dont worry" and things along those lines. Its hard to not scream out "YOU DONT GET IT!" Its so much more than that. The only people that truely get it i feel are my fellow ACD moms and moms that lost their only little girl. When hes born its not like these feelings will suddenly be ok and everything will be fine. I have faith that he will be healthy and such a joy...worrying about his health is only a slight concern...especially if hes early. I just dont want to hear bad news about his lungs. Im pretty anxious about my grief "coming back" full force when i hold my little boy. I just want to be the happy fun loving mom that he deserves. Itll be tough being mom to an angel and to a living child.

(On a side note: I cant take it when moms refer to their living children as angels...babies are not supposed to be angels! Just fyi)

My thoughts are everywhere...and same with my emotions.

And you would never know this by looking at me because on the outside everything is GREAT.