Decal #1

We made our minds up and went with Austin Bane :) it was going to be Austin Ryon but Ryon said he was ok with giving up his name as the middle name for a more fitting middle name...part of his hawaiian name. HIS idea!! (Shocking since he really wanted a junior)

Austin's full hawaiian name we gave him is Bane Kalani

Bane= Long awaited child

Kalani= of the heavens

Ryon was born in Hawaii and was given a hawaiian name...Makahani. We thought why not give Bella and Austin hawaiian names as well.

Bella's is Anela Hi'ilani

Anela= Angel

Hi'ilani= Held in the arms of Heaven

Perfect...just like my babies!

False alarm

Bed rest went well...I spent most of the week in our lazy boy crocheting Austin's baby blanet. Ill need another week or 2 of doing just that before its finished. I had contractions every now and then but nothing to run to the doctor about.

My sister came to visit on Thursday for my baby shower on Saturday that she hosted. It was great being home and being able to hang out even tho we couldnt go out and do stuff! The shower turned out great. There only ended up being 10 of us which did make me a little sad that not that many people showed up to celebrate my special little rainbow baby. I do get it was a holiday weekend and other things were going on but I was still disappointed since this was my last baby shower and for a super special boy at that. I am very thankful to those that came tho and I had a great time...it was great getting out of the house as well! We feasted on yummy Panera Bread sandwiches and broccoli cheddar soup...chips, veggies, fruit...and a super cute cake w/cupcakes. We played a few games...and one game turned out to be a gift for me. "Pass the gift" was a gift wrapped 8 times with 8 clues. You read it and do what it says and the next person unwraps it, reads the clue...and repeat. The last person to end up with it gets the gift. WELL it turns out the last clue was "now pass this on to the most beautiful pregnant lady of them all". I was like "whaaat this is supposed to be someone elses gift!" I was bummed at first until I unwrapped a frame w/a drawing my friend Joy did of my pregnant self and angel Bella kissing my belly. I lost it. So hard to look at the picture without crying! My FAVORITE gift by far!! Absolutely love it and it just makes me happy when she is included...sad at the same time that shes not here physically. We ate cake and then opened gifts. I got lots of great stuff for my little man and myself. Clothes, diaper bag, toys, a jumperoo, and a booby pump! Yaaay!

After the shower we decided to go to the cemetary to send Austin's balloons up to Bella. When we finally cleaned up and got there...they had just closed the gates. SO we were just going to the soccer field by her spot when we realized you could get thru the gaps in the gate. The sky/sunset was really pretty. It was freeeeezing cold and windy tho. Soo many flowers along the gate by the soccer filed, and Bella's bear was missing. MIL found it waaay far away by the garage.

Sunday we went to Winchester for the hospital tour. We had been there before but it was such a blur. I felt myself getting a little emotional in the labor room but held it together...until we got to the NICU. I just couldnt help but cry thinking Bella was just behind that door just over a year ago. After that we went to the mall to add to Austin's wardrobe. We got a bunch of cute plaid shorts and shirts and such. Hes going to be soo handsome! We got home, put up the super awesome wall decals we ordered and then headed to Cheesecake Factory for a big family dinner. It was a little tough being around my nieces and hard to hold back tears thinking of my little girl that was missing...but it was great to see them. We went to target and got a few more things and then to Coldstone, which my sister had never been to?!?! YUM.

By the time we got home I was soo exhausted!! We sat around and talked and laughed and then I started to not feel so great so I took a bath. I was ok for a few minutes and then got REALLY sick. Like the scene in the Excorcist. It was not fun at all. I was having contractions and I thought I might possibly be in labor because I got sick when I was with Bella also. The contractions werent terrible tho but we decided to go to the hospital anyway. I took a shower and got ready and we headed there around 2am. Btw the construction going on at WMC sucks. Its a mile walk to the emergency entrance. Just like at Jefferson I stood at the window while the ladies finished their conversation until I said helllooooo...sooo annoying!! I got wheeled up to L&D. By this time I was feeling less like I was in labor and more like I was just really ill. They hooked me up to monior the baby and I also got an IV...pricked several times! My poor arm & hand!! When I started getting the fluids in I started throwing up...I just couldnt keep anything down. At this point we had not been to sleep in well over 24 hours. Ryon & I were both soo exhausted! And poor Ryon had to sit in the most uncomfortable chair everrrr. The doctor ordered an ultrasound to check my gallbladder and we waited forevvverrrr for that. Hours. We finally got wheeled down and waited even longer. The doctor gave me the option of staying and waiting for the results, or letting me go home with Tamiflu and Zofran with the promise that if I couldnt keep anything down I would come back. I could not wait to go home!! We finally left around 12:30pm. It was much more comfortable being home and miserable instead of in the hospital miserable. The doctor called not long after we got home and said I had a gallstone but that its unrelated to my sickness.

I wasnt really able to sleep much but my fever finally broke by Tuesday. Tuesday was still pretty terrible and I was just super achey all over..no way I could have delivered a baby!

Feeling a little better today even tho I got sick in the middle of the night. Austin seems to be moving more and food has so far stayed down. Cant wait to go back to the doctor on Monday and find out if I have dialated any more since they didnt check at the hospital. 

Austins room is just about complete and his clothes are in the washer.. :)  Now we are just patiently waiting for his arrival. Im ok with waiting a little bit longer.

34 weeks, guilt and saddness

We had an appointment on Valentines Day, the 34 week mark. We found out Austin is measuring 5lbs 2oz and looking great. He sure looks squished in there and had his hands infront of his face so we werent able to get one last 3d of him. I had a few contractions while we waited for the doctor so she checked out my cervix and found out that im 1cm dialated and 80% effaced. She suggested I take off work a week and just lay around to be sure we made it atleast to 35 weeks. Before we left we also scheduled my induction for 3/25 even tho my doctor says we wont make to the 25th. I left the appointment shakin in my boots and wanting to cry my eyes out! So nervous. So here I am on bed rest for the week..and it is flying by! I really need to pack my hospital bag but just thinking about it gives me anxiety...

Ive been missing Bella so much lately as my due date is getting closer and closer. Its such an emotional roller coaster between feeling sad, anxious, excited, scared...and then guilt. I feel a lot of guilt that im not as happy about this pregnancy. I must say that i love feeling him move and squirm around inside of me, its just an incredible feeling. But aside from that...its just different. I didnt expect it to be like the blissful pregnancy I had with Bella...but I didnt think id feel like this.

Lately ive been hearing a lot of people tell me things like "everything will be fine when you hold him in your arms", "hes going to be healthy dont worry" and things along those lines. Its hard to not scream out "YOU DONT GET IT!" Its so much more than that. The only people that truely get it i feel are my fellow ACD moms and moms that lost their only little girl. When hes born its not like these feelings will suddenly be ok and everything will be fine. I have faith that he will be healthy and such a joy...worrying about his health is only a slight concern...especially if hes early. I just dont want to hear bad news about his lungs. Im pretty anxious about my grief "coming back" full force when i hold my little boy. I just want to be the happy fun loving mom that he deserves. Itll be tough being mom to an angel and to a living child.

(On a side note: I cant take it when moms refer to their living children as angels...babies are not supposed to be angels! Just fyi)

My thoughts are everywhere...and same with my emotions.

And you would never know this by looking at me because on the outside everything is GREAT.

Yikes

This is a profile shot...with his face smashed up against my placenta :) 31 weeks 4 days

Its funny that my last post was "Early?"

...we had a snow storm come thru on Wednesday night(1/26) and I was having tons of contractions when I finally got home from work. Also a few throughout the day, most likely from stressing about driving home! They werent just braxton hicks, these hurt and started in my back. Of course when it was whiteout conditions outside they were fierce. I was finally able to go to sleep after taking a tylenol and drinking lots of water. I kept saying if we could have we would have headed to L&D!

The next day I went to work 1/2 day--driving on snow and ice packed roads...im surprised he didnt fall out it was so bumpy!! lol I had my regular ob check up in the afternoon. Everything was fine by then of course. Got weighed, checked bp and she showed me the heartbeat. She was going to try and get a 3d picture for us but his hand was infront of his face. He was moving his mouth a lot, swallowing...or talking to us :) it was the cutest thing! Dr came in next and said well youre easy, howd I get so lucky?! Thats when I said well I guess I should mention I had a million contractions last night. Theeeen she went into super concerned doctor mode and looked at my cervix by pelvic ultrasound. Then proceeded to tell me it looked short and would need to do a vaginal...along with a fetal fibronectin test aand group B strep just incase the fFN was positive. If it were to be positive she said id go on bed rest and maybe have to get shots to help mature his lungs. His lungs?? Not something we wanted to hear!

The appointment didnt help with my anxiety at allll. I left shaking and so anxious to get the results back. Every movement and contraction had me soo worried no matter how hard I tried not to. Its so easy for other people to say "oh dont worry itll be ok!" Yeah, It will be ok when I have a healthy baby in my arms...so id rather not hear that. :) mmmk thaanks.

Anyway, I didnt sleep well...(mainly because my dog chose to sleep on my side of the bed and take up all the room :)

I got to work and an hour or so later got a call from nurse Kim to tell me the results from the test were NEGATIVE! yaaaay.

So that was that. No bed rest, no shots...and Austin is staying where he belongs for the moment :) happy mommy.

...Ok so I wouldnt have been opposed to atleast a few days off work...but not weeeks. Then it really would have dragged! Im hoping these next 7ish weeks go by fairly quick!

We get to see little man again on Valentines day...measurments and all! Cant wait to hear how big he is now.

Early?

When i found out I was pregnant I just had a feeling that this baby was going to come early. Then we found out it was a boy and thought for sure he would be early because hes so low and he just seems to want out. Or maybe I just hoped he would decide to come on March 17th. How cool would it be to have a rainbow baby on St Pattys day?!?! Still hoping.

Now im getting a little anxious because so far 3/4 of my BLM friends have had their rainbow babies early. I know I cant control when he comes but im sure anxiety is not helping. Every pain now is concerning. If he does decide to wait until my induction(March 25...3 days before dd) then this is going to be a LONG 2 months!!

Uncomfortable

I am finally 30 weeks...(in my 31st week of pregnancy, does anyone else find that confusing? I always did)

Anyway, I'm really starting to get uncomfortable now. It just hit me hard this week. I'm feeling pretty large...and very TIRED. The terrible painful excruciating stupid lower back pain and having to flip over every 30 minutes at night make sleep a hard thing to get. I know I said I wouldn't complain...but I'm just at a point of frustration. I have been pregnant FOR.EVE.ERRR and still no babies. Am I going to be able to handle motherhood? Starting to freak out a little about labor(!!!) and bringing our little man home. I watch some shows and (E)news and other people with babies and it just looks different now. Not real. Not in my world atleast. Maybe I'm just good at carrying babies but will I be good at taking care of them? I know once he gets here things (should) will change and it'll be natural...or so I hope! I know ill get tons of unwanted advice and I pray that I won't get frusterated with these people. I mean, I should know about raising a baby...I hate that I didn't get the opportunity and all I know is how to be pregnant. Well, once Austin gets here ill be sooo gald to be thru with the pregnant part for a little while!...a few months atleast ;)

Cravings

{I haven't posted in a while...mainly because for some reason the app I use doesn't save drafts so the posts I've written just get deleted and I don't like starting over}

So the new craving is oranges and blackberries. YUM. Don't bring me asparagus anymore tho, that stuff is naaaassty! How on earth did I eat that drenched in garlic and lemon juice every day for months? Ick.

Funny how things change :)

Ill update sometime soon, Austy sure is getting large!

9 weeks to go.